#lost his brother when he was a child his parents were absent especially his mum

[gottagobackintime]

What did I decide to do as I’m waiting for the new episode of The Pitt to drop? I decided to rewatch the episode of ER where Carter and Kem loses their baby… because I hate myself apparently…

Me every time I watch that episode:

[gmwsuperfan5467890]

Paper Girls

I read the comic in one day and binged the show in two days and let me just say, I am obsessed. I love all the wonderful, complex characters, the beautiful artwork, the engaging plot and of course, the wonderfully built-up main sapphic relationship. Because I read the comics before watching the show, I think I was a bit too critical of the show at first (especially because there were so many changes) but after the first two episodes, I began to fall in love with the show as well. There were some changes the show made that I loved and some that I did not like so much.

Changes I loved:

1)The development of Dylan and Alice. In the comics, he is referenced quite a bit and the audience can infer that he is a douchebag but other than that and the one interaction with Mac where he calls her a “butch” ,we don’t get much from him. But in the show, we see that he is a changed man, who has acknowledged how the trauma of the abusive home he grew up in has shaped him and how he in turn added to his sister’s trauma. He has grown and has apologized for his mistakes and loves and misses his sister. In fact, his sister’s death is what inspires him to change his life for the better and break the cycle of generational trauma. He treats both his kids and little sister so gently, the complete opposite of his dad. It was so heartbreaking when Mac had to leave her brother and the better life he could have provided for her behind.

Alice’s portrayal in the comics is heartbreaking. She doesn’t seem to care for Mac as much as Mac cares for her and is an absent parent. While the show seems to keep the same tune at first, we later find out Alice stepped up and took care of Mac and Dylan after Mac was diagnosed. Her love for her stepdaughter is abundantly clear, shown by how brings flowers to Mac’s grave on her birthday and her absolutely grief-stricken and hopeful expression upon catching a glimpse of her step-daughter in the graveyard. I absolutely love that Mac got to see that there were people who loved and cared about her (although they showed it too late). Overall, it was a beautiful and poignant plot line.

2) Erin’s martyr tendacies due to her being parentified as a child cause her to self-destruct. Erin was forced to take a lot of responsibility as a child because if her father’s death and because her mother couldn’t speak English. She made taking care of people her whole personality and pushed her own wants and needs to the side. When her sister and mother became more independent, Erin felt hollow and lost because she had no dreams and aspirations of her own, thus when her mother became sick, Erin subconsciously jumped at the chance to play the martyr/caretaker role again, feeling like she should have to handle this on her own and not realizing that her sister would also want to take care of their mother. This was definitely a more nuanced approach to Erin’s character and I loved the complexity that was added to Erin and Missy’s relationship, whereas in the comics Erin’s jealousy of Missy’s perfect life was only slightly hinted at.

3) I also loved Erin being angry at her future self and that being delved into a bit more.

4) I loved Erin and Mac’s friendship. We didn’t get enough one-on-one scenes of them in the comics.

5) I loved that they made Mac a cancer, partly because it’s also my zodiac sign and partly because it’s such a dark joke.

Changes I didn’t love:

1) 1999 Tiff wasn’t goth enough. And her bf wasn’t goth either. I also disliked that they used the fact that Tiff was adopted as a shocking secret. I preferred to have her know that she was adopted from the start like in the comics. The comics hinted that she had some abandonment trauma with her bio mum, I wish that was explored instead. I just feel like the whole secretly adopted plot twist is cliche and also implies that being adopted is a shameful thing and that’s why parents don’t tell their children that they’re adopted, which is a horrible thing to imply.

2) I’m sad that they cut out the plot-line of the girls saving Wali and Japho. I get why they cut it but I remember finding out that Japho was the Grand Father after they saved him and I was gobsmacked and flabbergasted, it was such a good plot twist.

3) I’m sad that they got rid of homophobic Mac. Once again, I get why they did it, I can’t imagine a child saying slurs would be greenlit on any tv show and the scenes where she’s homophobic to KJ are downright painful but it was so refreshing how they made they more stereotypical butch character have internalized homophobia and it paid off in the end when Mac accepted that she was gay and she wasn’t homophobic anymore.

4) Larry was there. I did not really care about Larry, although I got super pissed when he yelled at Tiffany twice. I was also really worried that he was going to be adult Erin’s love interest (which would have been weird and horrifying), luckily their fake dating scene hilariously showed that they are definitely not going to date. I’ve also noticed that the best scenes are when the paper girls are alone (or with their future selves) Larry doesn’t add anything to the story.

I adored the show and I actually loved that they made such huge changes. It keeps the suspense alive. There better be a season 2!

[halothenthehorns]

All in the Family

Chapter 138: Excess of Phlegm

A gnome tried to bite him on the nose. James snatched the thing by its ankle right before the teeth broke skin and was already hurling it as far away from him as he could before he'd even properly gotten to his feet.

The fact that none of them suffered from their brains melting for the recurring switch between night and day was the real mystery to all this. There was a big green pond full of frogs Longbottom was sloshing his way through, the place was lined with gnarled trees and plenty of plants he'd been able to identify from Herbology class and a few he hadn't. The Burrow was just visible in the distance and his stomach snarled with hunger, they really should have taken advantage of Slughorn's food selection while they had the chance, but then he saw Regulus storming over there and decided he'd starve rather than dealing with that arrogant child right now.

His scowl intensified when he saw Peter going after him, Merlin what he wouldn't give to have just left that kid behind! Between him and Snape, who ever would have guessed these two bothersome ones would cause so much misery along this blasted trip.

Sirius was coming over to him eagerly, and he did a double take as he saw the Polyjuice Potion had completely worn off of him and glanced down at himself in surprise to confirm the same, only just realizing everything was fuzzy back around the edges again not from his head still being sore from his latest impact with the ground. The feeling of moving like they were was worse than changing bodies, who knew?

"Odd," he pulled the ripped up shirt off and passed it back, half a mind to steal more clothes from the Weasley's for both of them while here. "Doesn't feel like it's been an hour."

"That spell I put on Longbottom wore off with the jump," Sirius recalled as he passed his glasses back. "To us, it definitely wasn't long enough to have done so. Guess this mess makes even the magic we use on each other wonky, how annoying." It would have been sort of interesting to somehow find a way to gauge time before now if they'd thought about it, but James found when he slipped his pants back on he still had the Polyjuice Potion in his pocket anyways and sighed as he uneasily patted it.

He looked back to see Sirius giving him a beseeching look. His eyes flickering to where Regulus had vanished and back with a look James couldn't quite believe, was he really fixing to defend that kid?

"Listen Prongs, thanks, really, but I wish you'd let him keep going. I hadn't even realized, but he needs to get all that off his chest if he really has a problem with you and I'd rather him take that out on me even unintentionally anyways." Sirius still finished with a guilty look in place that set him bristling.

"You don't deserve that Sirius!" He snapped back at once.

"He thought I was you," Sirius quickly reminded.

"That's not the point!" James insisted. "I wouldn't have just stood there letting him yell at me! He's not your bloody parents, and I'm not going to let him start doing that shit to you if you're hoping that makes it all better! I'm not even sure why you're trying!" He regretted the words the instant they slipped out, Sirius looked so confused and he'd been trying so hard to bite his tongue against saying anything, letting Sirius make his own decisions about his little brother.

"What do you have against Regulus?" Sirius didn't quite demand it, but he sounded so surprised James chose his next words carefully, he'd already felt vaguely paranoid before this. He'd only just turned fourteen after all.

"You never talk about him Sirius, less than even your parents. I always wondered, well, how much he knows about, well, some of your punishments," he admitted, and didn't like the response when Sirius rubbed absently at his shoulder and didn't look at him. Moony wasn't the only one with scars, but some weren't so visible.

He pressed in now that Sirius didn't flat deny it, "I'll not have you feeling guilty you didn't keep that in your life if he stood by and did nothing instead of helping you in that forsaken house."

Sirius let his hand drop and looked back at him steadily. "I don't know okay, I honestly don't want to know if he knows. He's not been in the room and laughing, if that's what you mean. Mostly he just hides in the attic when I start going at it with them and doesn't come down until he's summoned and I've usually cleaned myself up by then. If he suspects anything he hides it well."

"A trait you two share," James grudgingly let some of the ire trickle out of his voice, at least Regulus had never actually hurt Sirius then to appease his parents, the nightmare he hadn't been able to shake. Hearing Voldemort do so to his Padfoot had not let the idea rest though. "I still can't say I'm all gung ho helping you out with him Padfoot, especially if he's going to turn that temper on either of us."

"Hasn't had the best role model from anyone," Sirius quietly muttered.

"You're working on it," James gave a sort of laugh in admittance. Better than having come down the stairs and the two dueling to the death he supposed. He still didn't quite like Sirius just taking this in stride though if this was the alternative, it wasn't natural to not see Sirius fight back.

He sighed when he heard Smith starting the book and decided to brave the house alone for now as he distracted Sirius, "I'm going to see if there's food, and get us both a change of clothes. Go find Moony would you, haven't seen him exiting the garden with the others. Tell him for me I don't bloody care who he snogs in the meantime, will you?"

Sirius looked so hilariously startled that James wondered if he'd gotten it wrong then, but it was probably even better he leave the two to it then. Whatever the hell they were up to, it was helping Sirius, he could tell that much as Padfoot grinned and took off.

James walked with his head held high into the kitchen and made straight for the stove. The others crowded around the table watched him when he walked in, the book still having a few leaves clinging to pages in Alice's hand as she alternately read and shook her head at whatever conversation abruptly stopped at his entrance.

Snorting in derision as if he was supposed to care about being talked about, weather it was a group this size, the whole of his house annoyed he'd lost such a huge chunk of points for his latest prank, or the whole of Hogwarts laughing both at him and with him whenever a prank or counter prank was in action, he strode over to the stove and followed the basic steps of potions class to get a fire going and setting a pot in place before pausing in confusion.

Alice disengaged herself from the table, both of them ignoring the annoyed look Evans and Longbottom gave each other as she came up to him and asked, "like some help?"

"Sure," he smiled at once. "Know how to make grits? Ever tried syrup in that, it's to die for!"

She grinned at his enthusiasm and promised, "oh I'm sure we can whip up some of everything."

He couldn't help but smile at her, there was just something about her round face that radiated kindness, it wasn't hard to see why Longbottom was so smitten even if she was a little too timid for him to get the full appeal. She was short too, barely a few inches difference to Peter, but she nudged him aside gently and he didn't even think about stepping aside for her as she began going through the motions and talking in a level voice everything she was doing, though he hadn't actually asked for a walkthrough.

He listened though. He was painfully aware because of this future his parents clearly hadn't survived to take care of Harry, and it twisted up something in him to ever wonder for long how much time they had left, had they ever shown up in his wedding photos to Evans? While he could go home now and ask his mum to teach him this, he instead likened more to the idea she might not just laugh along with her boy for once, but give her something to be proud of as he studied her wand movements and copied with wavering success.

The milk, water, and salt were all carefully blended together and at a steady boil, even if he was sure they came out a bit too lumpy when Alice quietly redirected, "I hope everything's okay with those three."

The invitation was clear. He ruffled up his hair, his wand slipping and the stirring stopped for a moment as he considered telling her yes, and he would deal with his problems, again. That hadn't exactly been working out for him so far though, and damn if she hadn't been right back in Sirius' own house. Maybe if he'd just bloody talked to Padfoot before this future slammed him in the face he wouldn't have broken his ear drums and had his feelings so viciously kicked into him.

"Not sure how to get Sirius and Peter to talk to each other," he finally admitted his problem. It may have even worked there for a second in Slughorn's house, before Regulus had so rudely interrupted he was sure. "Padfoot's trying, but ah, he's not the best at using his words." He was always more of a free spirited, gestures, and reactionary kind of bloke, and he rarely tried to hide any of it. Maybe if Padfoot hadn't been suppressing how little he'd forgiven Peter on his behalf it wouldn't have been so bad! James wouldn't change him for the world. "I know he tried back in Malfoy's room, but it doesn't seem to have done much good."

He and Remus had been worried about just that, but hadn't let themselves interfere. "I'm not their mother, I can't just make them apologize to each other, but I don't know how else to help. What the hell do I say?"

He finally tapped the pot to get it stirring again lest something burn. It still felt weird to be saying this to anyone but Remus, but he hadn't anything else to offer but an apologetic shrug and mutual agreement there was just no mending this broken bridge with magic. At least Moony had promised he'd keep the two away from each other if he wanted, but that wasn't helping anymore than the two interacting the past few times. They'd been faking it thus far for his sake, and he knew that.

Now Regulus was trying to throw his opinion in, and he'd probably just pushed Peter farther away towards that kid. It's not like Wormtail had stood up for Sirius against the brat! He still didn't appreciate the last time Peter had shouted at Sirius back in the forest!

When Alice finally spoke, her voice was quiet but gentle, she seemed to respect he still was not trying to air their business and the others talking quietly at the table over their game once more should not be able to hear. "I don't know them as well as you do, but I hope you see laughing this off just isn't helping."

He grit his teeth to stop himself snapping at her that wasn't helping either, he still didn't know what else to do!

"I'd say, first step, just make sure you're all on the same page. Then, maybe, see where they want to go from there. Sometimes, we outgrow people, and that's not always a bad thing." She frowned at Evans, and James refused his own look to confirm it even if he knew in his heart what she meant and it was very, very true. He didn't see it as the same thing at all, Peter had never done anything like old Snivilius had. Sirius had over reacted in his anger, but this future wasn't letting up on them for a second about how awful things to come could be, he was entitled to an emotional outburst! He and Remus had tried to stop him from doing Peter a real harm!

"That's not very helpful," he huffed, removing the pot from the heat and grabbing down bowls.

"Sometimes the advice we need isn't what we want to hear," she shrugged, but she still looked sadly at her friend, and then back at him. "I'm sorry."

He huffed and changed the subject to syrup, bacon, and gravy, at least her company wasn't as bad as her fortune cookie nonsense.

Remus was still leaning against the apple tree he'd landed face first on and hadn't chosen to move, instead knocking his head softly against the bark in hopes it would knock some sense into him. Anger at himself still dominated rather than Padfoot not giving him some bloody warning for their stupid prank as he kept replaying what Sirius had said.

A break? They weren't even together as far as Sirius was concerned and he was already laughing about a break. What if Remus never asked for a break, would Sirius keep hooking up with him along with how many others when they got back? Would he be able to keep himself in check and go along with that, pretending to ignore any such thing was happening? He very much doubted it, and it only confirmed in him what he should have known back in that alley way, he really should put a stop to this now.

Amongst the cawing birds in the bright morning sun and the frogs still splashing about in their water, he heard someone approaching him and looked around in mild concern when he realized no shouting had resumed. If James and Regulus were off killing each other, they were doing it quietly.

It was the real Sirius this time, of this he was very confident of as Prongs would still be looking at him like a concerned parent about to give him the sex talk.

"You told him?" Sirius confirmed in delight as he barely came over in arms reach. He even turned around like the conversation was done there and they could go off to join James like nothing had happened.

He should have expected the gleeful smile. Sirius made himself as clear as possible on Slughorn's bed, Remus quickly reminded himself, and even before that. He only sees you as a playfriend, get over it!

Remus' scowl deepened, some of his self-anger getting an easy redirection. "No you arse, he figured it out when I didn't know it was you!"

Sirius just looked confused for a few more moments before he got it, and then he laughed as he edged closer. "What did you do?"

Remus shoved him back away in disgust. "It wasn't funny! What the hell are you so happy for?"

"I wanted to tell him," Sirius reminded with an eye roll, "what are you so angry for?"

Remus bit his lip rather than answer, this was going as horrible as it was possible to! "Look, it means something, different to me, telling people, alright." He tried to plead with him to understand. He clearly didn't. "Sirius, I know you don't see it as a big deal ever to tell us of your last dalliance, but it does to me, okay!"

Sirius just cocked his head to the side and kept watching him as if waiting for further explanation, like he couldn't fathom what other meaning there was, like he really couldn't picture telling his brother who he was hooking up with for any other reason than the fun of it. Remus tried to take some comfort in that Sirius really just didn't have the capacity to even be looking for anything more with anyone, not just with him.

"Okay, fine," Sirius mercifully gave in, though it was clear he still didn't get what Remus' problem was. Remus breathed in relief. "If you don't want him to know yet, I'll push him off what happened. I'd still like to know what you did," he added with a grin.

"How the hell do you think you're going to get away with that?" Remus demanded.

"If I can get McGonagall to not give me detention for transfiguring Eckers into a rocking horse I can do anything!" Sirius declared with the greatest hurt to his pride Remus was questioning this. He still hadn't stopped grinning. "You still have to tell me so I know what I'm working with."

Remus groaned and put his face in his hands, was this not bad enough without the teasing? "I hate you so much."

"Love you too Moony," Sirius casually agreed. "Now come on, work with me!"

Remus finally dropped his hands so he could glare at the bastard, and then let his hand rest on the inside of his thigh of the real Padfoot this time, leaning forward and whispering with as much annoyed suggestiveness in his voice he could, "is that a challenge?" He quickly dropped his hand and crossed his arms with a huff.

His pissed off attempt didn't really work, Sirius' eyes still glazed over with lust for a moment and he licked his lips before he shook his head and muttered, "yeah, that's not very subtle. Any more context I should know?"

"I still never got my pineapple," he sulked, as if that was really his biggest concern.

Sirius gave him a cheeky grin as he patted his bag. "Moony, I'm insulted, you really think I'd leave you hanging?"

He could not imagine where and how Sirius had found the time to nab that in between everything else that had gone on. The thoughtfulness in the action stunned him. Damn him for still getting aroused by this asshole when he wanted to keep glaring at him.

Padfoot's eyes flickered around the garden for inspiration, they even listened to some of the chapter in mutual silence as Harry finally confessed to his friends of the Prophecy hanging over his head and the Phlegm being Fleur Delacor back in wedding bliss to Bill Weasley, but that wasn't striking much. Remus' concern grew even Sirius' silver tongue wasn't going to get out of this one.

"Look, just hang around out here if you want to, avoid Prongs and the others, I'll cover for you, just like always." Sirius finally sighed. "I promise I'll get some actual food for you for the next spot, okay?" He even sacrificed the crystalized pineapple now, tossing him the box and not even taking a single one for himself.

"Don't bother," he grumbled as he caught it, but pocketed it. Deciding to scale the tree for now in any relief to get away, and half tempted to pitch himself off head first. Sirius pouted at him the whole way up until Remus was crunching on an apple so loud he could pretend he didn't hear him walk off.

Sirius kicked and huffed and paced the whole way back to the door, taking twice as long as the trip should be. Great, yeah, even Moony was mad at him now, this just really could not be going worse. He knew he couldn't force the guy to relax about being gay, or whatever he considered getting off with another guy to be. He'd heard plenty of horror stories from other kids in school for their parents' reactions. He had no wish to envision Remus anywhere near that, but did he really think so little of Prongs? Sirius just had to find a way to get him to relax about this, it was by far the easiest problem to focus on, he knew Moony so well he was sure he could come up with a solution to this. It was too bad he couldn't turn into another animal for him to help, he'd do it in a heartbeat.

He walked in and found himself plenty distracted by Alice teaching James how to cook. She was being really nice about it too, even as Sirius watched he waved his wand a little too enthusiastically and sent a packet of bacon flopping to the ground. She corrected him and he got it right in the next go with a very pleased smile and a half glance at Evans, who was ignoring him and playing cards at the table with the others again. James turned away remarkably fast and wasn't even trying to talk to her but kept his focus on Smith. The book was left open at an empty chair, so at least nobody was reading it to try and get them out of a nightmare.

Regulus at least looked in a semi better mood. He wasn't shooting death threats at Prongs at least, but just flat ignoring him, and he didn't at all look up at Sirius' entrance as he took the deck from Evans and shuffled with quite a bit of skill. Peter at least looked around with a half smile at him before waving him towards the food.

Sirius needed no such invitation and leaned next to the stove, stuffing himself silly and still not quite sick of breakfast meals despite the fact they'd been having that in abundance lately but purposefully leaning on Alice's other side and not engaging as her and Prongs chatted casually about their mums different home spells, something he couldn't join in on anyways.

James had never had a problem making friends, Sirius thought back, it was him who'd made the four of them friends, Sirius was still half convinced sifting through memories it would never have worked without Prongs as their buffer until they were all used to each other. So it was still his fault really James was now keeping himself on the outs and not engaging with the rest, but instead sticking by Sirius and keeping himself apart, something he and Moony much preferred.

Attention was one thing he'd had all his life, whether he wanted it or not. He glorified in it at school as much as Prongs, but still far more enjoyed their private jokes alone in their dorms once the laughter had died down, a choice when to be in the spotlight for his amusement and when to leave it, something he'd never been allowed before James.

It wouldn't kill the rest of these guys to understand a good joke and curiosity could do wonders for their own moods.

Stuffing the last of his food into his mouth, he went back to the scullery for a new change of clothes rather than this ripped up shirt, maybe that would help Remus at least somewhat. It greatly irked him nobody did ask why he was outside still even with a ready excuse.

Maybe it was slightly better this way, Remus would refuse this on principle and spoil what Sirius was going for.

He snatched the bottle of Polyjuice Potion out of the back of James' pocket and snagged five cups down, slamming them on the table and pouring a dollop into each, keeping just enough left in the vile he slipped it back in for Remus later and glared at the lot.

"Don't even dare tell me you're not curious?" He accused each and every one of them.

Alice came over at once plucking a thin black strand of hair away. "When I tried in class it was too lumpy, nearly a solid it was so gross, Slughorn gave me an A and I was worried it would be the wrong color if I tried. Thanks Sirius," and she dropped it in.

It frothed and bubbled for only a moment before settling on a beautiful shade of the lightest yellow, like a soft warm light, it even looked kind of fuzzy, like a baby chick.

She grinned in delight, but none of the others exactly looked encouraged to play along.

"Frank?" She sighed.

"I already know what mine is," he tried to put off, glancing guiltily between her and Lily and needlessly rearranging his hand. Sirius had no idea what was going on there. "It's blue, love, and yours is beautiful of course."

She was still pouting at him with those large amber eyes of hers, and so he finally gave in and winced as he came away with some loose blonde hairs, dropping them into his own.

Blue indeed, a very dark royal shade that had the consistency of a squashed berry. She still smiled in delight and leaned in to give him a kiss on the cheek, but neither went so far as to offer swapping cups and bodies, apparently even they weren't going to indulge them that far.

Peter glanced around but finally went next to at least show a spot of good faith, his mousy brown hair vanishing into the mud for moments before it changed. It was a speck of the light, just before the dawn sky showed a hint that was not quite black. It even had little sparkles of the stars, he'd swear it, the pinpricks desperate to still be seen as the opaque of the day began forcing its way through the peaceful night. In the crest of the velvet, just before the nocturnal animals would end, he smiled and shook his head fondly for the deep purple color.

"Come on then," Peter even reached over and gave Regulus a light prod. "They really didn't mean anything by it this time."

"I'll just wait for my own potions class when I do it," Regulus said stiffly, still only glaring at his plate as he played a card.

Alice knew better than to try and talk Lily into any such thing, she was too stubborn and probably already knew hers anyways considering her advanced potions work.

She was half right, Lily did know what color it was going to be, but with one last begrudging look at Potter to make sure he knew this wasn't for him, she gave her and Frank a friendly smile and plucked a red hair free for them to see.

It was the soft blush just under the surface, the light airy breath that flashed over and warmed the skin. Her breath caught in her throat again as she could already taste how lightly it would flit down one's throat. She brushed her hand through her hair and smiled softly to herself with pride, she'd never been fond of the color pink, it had always been Petunia's favorite, but she looked almost gleefully now at how it softly glowed in her cup, warmth seeping right through to the tips of her fingers once more.

Sighing in resignation of being left out and only for Peter's sake and not the other two, Regulus finally pulled a hair free as well.

Trapped in the forest, it would be the first hint of light. The faint sun flicking through trees, the slightly thicker grass getting just a little more springy with each step, the same shade of hazel flickering out of the corner of his eye when he was on a broom and the Forbidden Forest was just lively enough to grab his attention. The darkest shade of green, or a freckled shade of brown, he smiled softly as he tipped the cup this way and that to catch every last glimmer it would show.

Lily took all of their distraction to collect all of the cards this time and pocket them with purpose when Alice told she was going to finish the chapter.

Alice beamed at everyone smiling once more and mouthed a thank you to Sirius, who graciously acknowledged this with a competitive smirk. She made sure to catch James' eye before picking up the book to finish, and he nodded his resignation at last, their quiet whispers before Sirius had entered finally sinking in.

HPHPHPHP

And just because I don't have a better time to share this considering the location of the future chapter it shows up in I won't spoil, you got these now and this below:

Luna- light Orange/ Hermione- Dark Orange

Ron- Dark Brown/ Neville- Light Brown

Dumbledore- Gold with silver flecks

Fenrir*-

It looked more like smoke resting in the cup, the thick cloying kind that would choke your lungs and suffocate you faster than the fire could reach you. Even being nowhere near the lips, the urge to gag, plug up the nose and run was the first instinct upon seeing it. Surly such a vile color was not meant to ever be seen, let alone consumed, for it would never let go once it latched on.

Voldemort-

It's the color he feels pulsing all around him when that sense of purpose, power, rightness, and even triumph surrounded him. He could feel it now, almost burning out of the cup as the color reflected back his soul. It would darken with time just like the murky little depth of solid black color in the center was now, turning deeper and deeper shades with every new murder he granted those not worthy of this life, but always in the very edges before the liquid traced the rim of the cup, you could still see burning red.

Umbridge- pink

It sits like a heavy film over the tongue once swallowed down, leaving an almost chalky, lingering weight behind. The fluorescent, almost painfully bright color would be bitter, like the darkest tea, and would curl into a nauseating feeling the lower down your body it traveled.

Bellatrix- light green

The neon glow was enticing to look at, as if the vividest shade of a particularly tart apple were sizzling in the cup. One sip was all it would take, and you could not stop. You would keep drinking, even when you were out of breath, and the tang became painful because your mouth was burning, you would still keep swallowing happily for the phosphorescent liquid of the verdant shade. ( I can not believe the books literally glossed over what this canon color should be!)

Snape- light purple

It seemed painful to even look at, the image of drinking it would be worse. The morbid feeling of prodding this color, the heavy purple would whiten slightly and then turn back an even darker shade, to have that inside of him made him want to be sick. He wished it would mottle to the greens and yellows of a fading bruise, but feared it would never happen.

Don't worry, you'll get Remus' eventually. I think mine would be similar to a lime green, and sweet with a nice kick at the end. Let me know yours?

*You would not want to drink Remus/ Fenrir's, or any other werewolves FYI. I have a headcanon of what would happen if you tried to use polyjuice potion on a werewolf, and it's similar but more gruesome than what happened to Hermione when she tried to use it on a cat. Check out my AU, Proper Life, chapter 5 for details if you're curious, it's in the very first section so you don't have to read much if you're not invested in the whole thing.

[eturni]

Day 8: Choir

Day 8 of @drawlight​‘s  advent calendar challenge. https://drawlight.tumblr.com/post/189391982184/drawlight-drawlight-aziraphale-crowley-for Today is choir in which I muse (likely incorrectly) about how choirs of angels work and there are scenes in both Bethlehem and 2023 London.

Also I... may have got carried away and this one is a little longer than usual.

The thing about angels was that all of them could sing. To one end or another. It was why the idea of heavenly choirs was so deep in many humans’ psyches.

The thing about angelic choirs was that angel song was not like human song. The passed missives across the heavens, they called love and war and creation and destruction. Most importantly they conveyed emotions and intentions to humans who could not understand the grand depth of knowledge that their words alone held. Fear not. Gloria in excelsis deo et in terra pax hominibus bonae voluntatis. Hallelujah, the smoke from her burning is a pillar to heaven.

The point is, of course, that all angels were part of a choir or another and all angels could sing but that the song was the intent. The song was the feeling.

The demon Crowley had not sung in almost four millennia. There had been halting, scratching wails when the demons first fell that were almost singing but for the cloying ruin of boiling sulphur against their vocal cords. Many demons gave up there and then.

The demon Crowley was a well-known glutton for punishment when it came to pushing against the bounds of what he was told he could do. He had not stopped singing there and had instead worked his throat into shape even as the denizens of the new-formed hell scrabbled for power and influence and built up the form of what would be. Every one of his songs had been a dark, jagged thing: railing at being forced out for thinking for himself or rebelling still against the boxes he’d been put into as both an angel and a demon.

Read on A03 (likely the safer option for this one) https://archiveofourown.org/works/21638803/chapters/51813601 or:

And then there had been the apple. Crowley found the tree of knowledge and had enough inkling of what it would mean. Naturally their Mother would punish humans for the sin of Knowing. For wanting to be more than placid innocent dolls. He sang then; not with the power of a choir but with a soft, coaxing sweetness that imparted enough of his own Knowledge that Even could choose if further knowledge would be worth their punishment.

And then there had been a wall and an angel atop it and a wing to protecting against the first rain.

Crowley had watched after Aziraphale, leaving his spot on the wall towards where the first true death had happened at the end of his own heavenly-issued sword. He had watched this very strange angel and he sang.

It was love, of a sound he had never made in heaven. It was no love of their Eternal Parent, it was not the love of his purpose or of humanity or his brothers and sisters. It was a sound that was small and uncertain but grew into the space around him and permeated the garden he had yet to leave. It was a sound that almost filled out the hollow space in him but left the corners that it missed stark and barren in contrast.

Crowley stopped singing soon after that, especially when he was too near to Aziraphale. Being close happened a lot in the early days, of course, when there were so few humans to tempt and protect. Every time he was close enough to feel the angel the new song bubbled up in his chest; slowly changing and filling more of the emptiness and in direct contravention to everything he was and everything Aziraphale called him.

It became second nature to not sing. To push it down. To close his throat against lyrics and chords and eventually the words, the terrible human words, that he found very nearly matched to what his song wanted to impart.

It was a terrible thing to bear, a song that no heavenly or demonic choir could ever join to. The feeling his alone in a way that a non-human’s voice should never sing alone.

His few attempts at singing did set him in better stead for when the first Christ was born (not the one that set the whole Armageddon in motion – heaven’s one). Midwinter may be a bit of an odd time for there to be young lambs but there were shepherds on the hillside regardless and there was a heavenly choir and the whole of Bethlehem was so crawling with angelic auras that Crowley couldn’t make out where Aziraphale might be.

He had been about to duck out of the city altogether and give up his tempting of the wise men as a lost cause when he’d all but tripped over the poor young lass chosen to give birth to the man of the hour.

He ducked into a stable as his ears rung with the praises to heaven and stumbled into a young woman giving birth with no more support than a lone carpenter and a couple of very confused animals.

She’d been bearing up surprisingly well as such a young woman in her first labour but had taken one look at his serpentine eyes, dark clothes and taken a breath to obviously start screaming.

“Glory be to God for the birth of your wondrous child.” The song leapt from his lips as an imperfect echo to the choirs outside. It was discordant and it tasted foul like blood scratching up Crowley’s throat but Mary relaxed regardless. Then further with the next word out of his mouth. “Midwife?”

The birth itself went miraculously well for one literally conducted in a stable and mum and dad had been so relieved that they let Crowley hide out in the corner as the presences around them slowly started to diminish. He was so on edge that he completely forgot that he was supposed to derail the sages from getting there until they were already in the blessed stable.

At that point he gave it up for a bad job and spent his time teaching Mary how to get the kid to latch on properly and making sure she got herself fed. They needed an adversary for their adversary so it wasn’t exactly <i>undemonic</i> after all.

- - - - – -

It was years later (millennia) that Aziraphale sat with Crowley in the back room of the bookshop a handful of years after the failed apocalypse and sat staring into his glass of mulled wine thoughtfully. By this time there were a few more windows in the bookshop that were topped with an array of plants; most of which currently wore little santa hats. There had been nothing Crowley’s cleaning habits could do about the chaos of the shop because it put off customers but they’d done a decent job by now of turning each of their own spaces into something a little more shared.

“You know, Crowley,” the demon perked up immediately at Aziraphale starting a conversation with his name and that lilt to his voice “I never had much to do with Christ himself. The birth was such a pantomime and those much higher up than me got all the significant jobs to do. They tended to just say that I’d get in the way, especially after the apple fiasco. Longest agent on earth and they sent me off to make sure that the star would stay in the right place. As though it were just going to disappear.” He shook his head and took a few fortifying gulps of wine.

Crowley pulled a face but knew by now that it was easier just to let his angel ramble and get there in his own time unless they were on a deadline. “Yeah but they were always like that. Never knew what they had in you.” He smirks a little at the unspoken unlike me.

Aziraphale tutted and shook his head. “No that’s not- I mean that’s very kind of you but that’s not my point. The point is… Yes, the point is that there were a few accounts that never made it into the bible. About the birth itself. Well, of course you know about the extra gospels yourself so it’s not all the birth, but you understand my meaning.” Crowley nodded, though he really did not understand the meaning at all. He was hoping Aziraphale would get to it still. “There was one from Mary herself, you know. Almost entirely ruined with age and poor preservation but nothing that a few years of some very careful miracles couldn’t help to restore. You know she mentioned an angel who actually helped with the birth. And one who seemed ‘much reduced in the ostentation of their song’.”

Crowley stilled and very carefully nodded. “You got there after all then?” He hedged, despite the knowing smile that was growing on Aziraphale’s face. “You always were better at speaking with humans. Not that you’re good at it, mind. Just better than angels that have never met a human.”

“Well, quite. I’m certain that this being was a lot more informal than even I could be. And well versed with human needs.”

“Hng. Any idea who might actually be better with humans than you?”

“Oh, Crowley, do give over. My point is that I was wondering if you really do sing my dear.” Aziraphale absently looked over to the tree stuffed in the corner and wondered if he should be darkening the wings of the angel on top. He was sure it would give Crowley some kind of kick at least.

Crowley sighed deeply and rolled his eyes, his head and his spine until he was laid out across the comfortable couch with a dramatic air that the Georgians would envy. “Not really. Had to get out of a tough spot.”

“Oh but you, can. I always thought it was something that was lost in… and I just… well it’s always a tough subject to broach, you understand.”

Crowley huffed and beckoned Aziraphale over with a crook of his head. The other came and Crowley revelled, just a little, in the simple pleasure of placing his legs over the other’s lap and knowing that he wouldn’t be denied. “I can sing but I don’t. There was- I don’t sing the same any more and I wasn’t certain about it. The things that come out… I’m still not sure about them so it’s better to not. I mean, it’s supposed to be sending messages from Her anyway, right? That’s not my job any more.”

He hedged, just enough explanation that he hoped Aziraphale would drop it without leaving him so intrigued that he absolutely had to follow up with questions. Unfortunately he was watching his angel and could see that glint in his eyes and the slightest shift to pleading that told him he needed to run now or be prepared for the angel to ask him something he could never be prepared for.

“Oh my dear, I’m certain that whatever you have to impart is much more significant than any other angel or demon They aren’t on our side after all.”

Crowley felt his ornamental heart stutter for a stop at the moment. They’d had some time, of course, but it still did things he couldn’t express to hear Aziraphale so freely and enthusiastically claim his side as their own.

It was enough to make something like anxiety settle in his stomach and send his heart at double the pace when it finally remembered how to beat because he’s was suddenly actually considering this. If they did truly have their own side he had to wonder if this was safe. If he could do this and dare to hope that he wouldn’t be pushed back, that it wouldn’t be too fast.

Then Aziraphale’s hand was on his knee, calm and steadying and a touch too hot when he was already just this side of flustered. “You don’t have to my dear. I just wondered but I wouldn’t want to push this.” The smile he gave Crowley was pure angel. Kind and understanding.

Crowley gulped and shook his head. Then nodded. Then realised that he wasn’t certain what either response really meant. He licked his too dry lips and opened his mouth.

In the place of words there was song.

The song wasn’t any human language and was not even enochian in such a sense. It was a different beast altogether; as much it’s own harmony as any tune and as much a feeling as any words.

It lasted perhaps six seconds before the demon couldn’t stand it any longer. He was about to close his mouth when Aziraphale’s hand squeezed his knee convulsively and another voice joined Crowley’s.

It was perfectly in balance. A celestial harmony against his demonic tone that balanced into something purely…

Purely theirs.

Almost human and not.

The only other being who ever stood a chance to understand the six millennia of feeling in Crowley’s spirit and he did. It mirrored it almost perfectly.

He finally dared to look over (he didn’t have much of a choice as his eyes had snapped to the other without checking with his brain first) and found Aziraphale all but glowing, in that way that only he could, and with everything Crowley had not dared dream of open in his eyes and his voice.

They formed a choir of just two and the song of it reached out through Soho and into London and lit the hearts of the people it found with something that they couldn’t comprehend; only feel.

[winryofresembool]

Kid!Ed fic: The Sky He Lost

A/N: Tadah, @silverfangirl15! Here is your gift fic! Your wish was: “Young Ed and Al before their mom’s death” and you wanted to see how they reacted to Hohenheim leaving. This fic is definitely more Ed focused but that’s because Al was so small at that point I don’t think he understood the situation as well as Ed did. And because I’m me, I had to include some kid!Edwin too :P But I still hope you enjoy! I am quite proud of this fic, but it wouldn’t have taken the form it did without my awesome beta reader @randomlyopeneddictionary who was so very helpful, so thank you once again ♥ And thank you to @criis55 too because you gave me plenty of ideas too ♥ Now, just enjoy and please do review because trust me I want to know!!

Characters: Ed, Trisha, Al, Winry

Genre: hurt/comfort (the Best genre) 

Words: 3509 

Warnings: get some tissues for some Trisha angst maybe

AO3

“Boys! Winry is here!” Trisha Elric yelled at her two sons.

A couple of days had gone by since her husband* had left the house, but she had barely seen her sons since then. Edward seemed to start taking an interest in his father’s book collection, and since Alphonse followed his big brother everywhere, he was also hidden behind a huge book pile even though he had just recently started recognizing letters. Trisha didn’t really know what to think of this change. It seemed to be her sons’ way of coping with what had happened with their father, but Ed seemed to take it to the extreme: last night she had found the golden-haired boy so much like his father asleep in Van Hohenheim’s library, tears streaking his face and his cheek pressed against a hard book cover. During the day he was acting tough, as if trying to convince her things would be OK, but the wet-cheeked little boy she had carried into his bed at night proved otherwise. He thought Hohenheim wasn’t coming back. And he didn’t take that information well. Trisha’s heart clenched even more when she realized the book Ed had been reading was one his father had read him and Al before bedtime countless of times.

Shaking her head to stop her train of thoughts, Trisha was relieved to notice that her boys did bother to come down from the library this time. A day after Hohenheim leaving, their kindergarten mate Pitt had tried to ask them to come out and play. That time Ed had stubbornly claimed he didn’t feel like playing because ‘playing was for kids’, and Pitt had had to leave with a disappointed expression on his face. Winry seemed to be a different story though.

Trisha had always thought her sons (especially Edward) had a soft spot for the neighbor girl. Sure, Ed and Winry got into arguments a lot, but they always made up in the end and had fun playing together, at least until they got into another argument. One time a boy from kindergarten had wanted to walk Winry home, and Ed had seethed with anger for the rest of the day. Another time Ed’s teachers informed her Ed had punched someone at the kindergarten, and when she asked why he did it, he explained: “he said Winry is stupid.”

“But Edward, you told Winry the same thing yesterday! How is that any different?” Trisha scolded him.

“It IS different! I don’t mean it.” Ed said quietly, staring at his feet awkwardly.

“Oh? Have you told her that?” Trisha wanted to know.

“No. Should I?” Ed asked, suddenly looking ashamed.

“Of course you should. One day she’s really going to think you think she’s stupid,” Trisha noted, casually continuing her work after that and leaving Ed to consider his words.

After that Ed seemed to speak to Winry slightly nicer, although being the two stubborn kids they were, that didn’t prevent them from getting into occasional fights. Alphonse, despite being the youngest, was usually the one who managed to calm them down. That was a huge relief for his mother because she had enough work to do even without getting between the kids’ constant arguments.

Trisha wondered if Pinako had told Winry about Van Hohenheim and she had come to see if she could cheer the boys up. Based on her happy expression, though, she started suspecting that Winry hadn’t heard the news yet. When she and the boys sat down in the kitchen to drink some orange juice and eat freshly baked pie, Winry started explaining the reason for her excitement.

“Mum and dad are coming home for a visit tomorrow! We just got the letter!”

“Oh? That’s nice!” Trisha said, worried her sons (or rather, just Edward) would not react well to the news because of their father. She could already feel Ed’s glare on her.

“They’ll not believe their eyes when I show them how much I’ve learned since they last saw me!” Winry continued excitedly. “I can already build a toy car from steel. And one day I will build an automail limb, I swear.”

“Big deal,” Ed huffed. “When our dad comes back, we can already build a life size car with alchemy, right, Al?”

Trisha glanced at her son sadly. His words contradicted with how he was acting when he thought no one was seeing, and she knew he was just putting on an act.

“Of course!” Al agreed, even though he was more interested in eating his pie than participating in the conversation.

“Wait… what has happened to your dad? He isn’t here?” Winry asked, frowning as she processed the information.

“Nothing happened to him,” Ed said, his voice telling Winry to not ask any more questions.

“He… just has an important mission somewhere,” Trisha added, but Winry wasn’t stupid. She could see something was going on. Just when the little girl was about to ask something, Ed got up from his seat and took his plate and drink with him, storming out of the room.

“What was that about?” she asked once Ed was out of hearing distance.

Trisha decided it was better for Winry to know the truth. “I think… I think he got upset when you told about your parents… because the thing is, we don’t know when my husband returns. It could be soon, but it could also take years. I don’t think my husband knows it either.”

“Oh. I’m sorry,” Winry said, really meaning it. “I can go and talk to Ed.”

She thought her experiences on absent parents could be helpful to Ed. However, it turned out she was wrong, because soon Trisha could hear Ed’s carrying voice all the way to the kitchen:

“I DON’T NEED YOUR HELP! IT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! AND WHAT DO YOU EVEN CARE, YOUR PARENTS ARE COMING HOME TO SEE YOU SOON, RIGHT? SO GO HOME AND LEAVE ME ALONE.”

Winry ran back downstairs, tears falling down her face. She didn’t even say goodbye to Al and Trisha when she pulled her shoes on and left the house.

Even though Ed had always been more challenging to raise than Al, there weren’t that many times that Trisha had truly gotten angry at her son. Usually he understood himself when he had crossed the line and tried to fix the situation in his own way. But this time his mother couldn’t just stand there and see him hurt his best friend just because he was hurting.

“Edward Elric,” she started threateningly. “I will not allow you to talk to your friend that way. Do you understand? Winry was only worried about you! She wanted to help you. You had better apologize to her when you see her again at the kindergarten tomorrow.”

“What? I’m not going there! You said we…” Ed tried to protest, remembering well how Trisha had promised the boys could take a few days off so they could spend more time together.

“You are going there. And you will apologize to her. I will ask Winry personally if you did.” Trisha didn’t want to admit she did have also another reason for sending the boys to the daycare the next day. She had a doctor’s appointment, just to make sure… but it was far too early to worry the boys with that yet.

“Fine,” Ed growled and hid his face behind a book to let his mother know he was done talking about this topic.

Trisha didn’t give up so easily, though. Sitting down on Ed’s bed, she took the book from his hands and set it on the table out of the boy’s reach. Ed groaned and gave her the darkest look he could master before burying his face into a pillow. If there was something that made him regret his actions faster than anything else, it was his mother’s sad eyes, and he couldn’t let himself fall into that trap again.

Sighing, Trisha finally spoke:

“Edward, we need to talk about this. I know you are hurting. Please, talk to me. Tell me what’s in your mind.”

“I… I think dad hates me.” She could finally hear a broken voice from under the pillow.

“Why would you think that way?” Trisha asked. In her opinion, Hohenheim had always showed he cared about the kids a lot… Although, now that she thought of it, he did it in his own, reserved way that may be hard for a child to pick.

“Because he just left! And didn’t even say anything!” Ed shouted and threw the pillow on the floor with anger. “What kind of dad does that?!”

For a moment Trisha didn’t know what to say. “Ed… you may not believe me right now, but… he definitely doesn’t hate you. He cares about both of you so, so much.”

“Then why did he leave?” Ed asked bitterly.

“Because he had to,” Trisha tried to explain patiently. “You are too small to understand, but one day you will…”

“I’m not small!” Ed protested, simply the use of the s-word making him furious.

“That is not what I meant.” Trisha sighed again, her patience starting to grow thin. Still, she continued calmly: “Just listen to what I have to say now. Remember how your dad made you the swing? Or read you one of his books? Or bought Al that cat plush even though I said you guys already had enough of them? Or comforted you when you had nightmares? Does a person who doesn’t care do that?”

“I… I don’t…” Ed stuttered.

“You may not understand this yet, but the reason why he left without saying anything was because the thought of seeing your sad faces… it hurt him so much. Like you are hurting now.” She put a hand on Ed’s heart, trying to make Ed understand. The little boy finally reached his breaking point and inched closer to his mother, sobbing uncontrollably against her shoulder until his breathing got calmer. He had fallen asleep. Trisha stroked his hair, mumbling quietly even though he couldn’t hear her anymore: “Please, forgive him. One day… one day, you might need each other.”

After setting Ed back in his bed, Trisha noticed that Al was standing behind the door, apparently too afraid to come inside. “Come here, darling.” Al did just that, sprinting onto his mother’s lap.

“Will brother be OK?” he asked worriedly.

“He will, Alphonse, I’m sure of it.”

As she hugged her youngest son tightly, she felt thankful Al was still too young to understand the whole situation. Quietly, she sent her prayer to the stars she could see through the window: “Hohenheim, please come back soon. Before it’s too late.”

��

“Stupid kindergarten, stupid Winry, stupid mum.”

The next day, Edward and Alphonse went to the kindergarten like planned, but Ed wasn’t particularly thrilled about it. Normally Winry, who occasionally joined the boys so she could play with kids of her age, would have walked with them. This time, however, Pinako and she were walking with Charlie, a boy from their class, and the two kids seemed to be having a lot of fun together. That didn’t help to ease Ed’s annoyance towards the girl, and when they finally arrived at their destination, he didn’t feel like apologizing to her. When Winry glanced at his way briefly, she looked so sad and hurt that it only made Ed angrier. He didn’t understand it was because he was angry at himself for making her so upset for a stupid reason. After all, it was like his mother had said: she only wanted to help.

Until lunch the day progressed quite normally; playing outside, crafting and other typical kindergarten activities. Even Ed managed to forget about the upsetting home situation for a moment. But once the kids sat down to eat their meals, one of the boys asked: “Hey, Ed, is it true what my mother said? That your father just left?”

Ed simply glared at him, clenching his small fists. He had never liked this boy because he was constantly bragging about a great new toy he had gotten or a new place his dad had taken him to see. The boy had also spread some rumors about seeing Ed and Winry kissing when they were walking home together, which was entirely untrue. Ew, Ed thought, Winry had girl cooties and was way too annoying that he’d ever want to do that! Finally, he managed to retort:

“I don’t know, Tom, but I heard that you are getting a fist in your face real soon if you don’t shut up.”

Tom eyed Ed suspiciously, wondering if the golden eyed boy would really attack him in front of all the kindergarten teachers. He knew Ed wasn’t afraid to fight but usually he wasn’t that forward about it. He was his mother’s golden boy and didn’t want her to know about his shenanigans, or that was at least what the other kids claimed. But still, Tom had to admit he was slightly afraid of the smaller boy.

“You… you don’t want to fight me here,” he answered, although uncertainly, and decided to move to eat at another table.

From the corner of his eye Ed could see Winry looking at him with an expression that was hard to read. There was anger in it, but also a hint of… sadness? Worry? Ed started lapping food into his mouth in an outrageous speed pretending he didn’t notice anything, and the little girl sighed. That was so typical Edward behavior.

“What are you staring at?” Ed suddenly stopped eating, making Winry realize she must have been watching him longer than intended.

“Nothing.” Winry glared at him and rose from the table as well, joining Nelly who had already finished her lunch.

“Big brother… didn’t mum say you should tell her you’re sorry?” Al noted once he had listened to enough Ed’s mumbling under his breath.

“But she doesn’t want to be apologized to,” Ed growled and told his little brother to mind his own business.

…

It was almost time for Trisha to pick the boys up, but Ed still hadn’t managed to apologize to Winry. After the lunch she had stuck with her girl friends and tried to ignore Ed the best she could, although when she thought Ed wasn’t watching, she still threw worried looks at his direction. Maybe Ed would have stayed quiet the entire day if Pinako Rockbell hadn’t arrived before Trisha to take Winry home. At first the girl’s face lit up with excitement because she thought her grandmother had come early to tell her her parents were finally home, but the excitement soon turned into tears. Ed overheard Pinako saying:

“I’m sorry dear, there was some big incident and your parents need to stay there for at least a few more weeks… Your father said they are not sure how long exactly it will take. But don’t worry, I’m sure they will come back soon enough. They sent you a lot of hugs and kisses.”

Ed was used to seeing Pinako as the strict grandparent who made sure Winry wasn’t slacking off, and who wasn’t afraid to yell at him and Al too whenever they did something she didn’t approve of, so this soft side surprised her. Her parents’ return must have been really important to Winry.

Suddenly it occurred to Ed that Winry’s situation wasn’t really that different from his. He had never before stopped to think that Winry must miss her parents a lot, but now that he saw Winry’s expression, he understood how she felt. And he felt bitter for her friend. How couldn’t her parents understand she wanted them home? Surely there would be other doctors that could help around while they were gone! Ed couldn’t stand that and decided it was finally his time to apologize.

“Winry…” he said surprisingly quietly when he approached her. Pinako watched the two of them curiously.

“What do you want now?” Winry hissed, narrowing her eyes like a cat and swiping her tears away. “If you came here because you…”

“No! I mean… Listen… I’m sorry. I said some mean things yesterday. I didn’t mean them.”

Winry wasn’t expecting Ed to apologize, so she stopped glaring at him and nodded, waiting for Ed to continue.

“I just… dad and…” he stammered, trying to get full sentences out of his mouth. “Can we go to your place?” He asked suddenly. “I don’t want everyone staring.”

“You will have to tell your mother first,” Pinako noted. “She wants to know where you two are. Alphonse, will you come with us?”

“Sure!” the younger Elric brother exclaimed and excused his friend with whom he was building sand animals. The teachers knew the Elrics lived right next to the Rockbells so they just nodded their goodbyes when the trio left with Pinako.

…

After having dropped Al off (Ed claimed someone had seen a kitten at their yard the other day, so he happily stayed home trying to look for it) Ed and Winry went into Winry’s room to talk. Both sat down on her neatly made bed, Winry pulling her legs closer to her body as she was waiting for Ed to start the conversation. Ed looked around for a moment, taking in all the metal toys and some failed experiments Winry had in her room. She had once told him making them made her feel less sad. Based on the amount of toys, she must have felt sad a lot lately… How had he failed to notice?

“So…” Ed started awkwardly.

“So…” Winry repeated.

“I… I think I understand how you feel now.” Ed blurted out eventually, shifting uncomfortably on the bed.

“Huh?” Winry asked, confused.

“You’re mad at your parents, right?” Ed elaborated. “Because they are not here.”

“I… I don’t want to be!” She said quickly, her voice shriller than usual. “I know those people need their help! So I’m trying to understand…”

A weird feeling Ed didn’t recognize filled him for a moment, when he realized his friend had entirely different approach to her situation than he did. Winry tried her best to endure, even if it hurt.

“But sometimes you still wonder why they don’t just stay here,” he finished for Winry.

“Yeah… What if they don’t like me?” she asked, confirming Ed they had similar suspicions about their parents.

“Don’t be stupid!” he exclaimed. He had seen Winry with her parents many times and he knew they cared. Besides, this was Winry, his best friend they were talking about. “Of course they like you. How could they not?”

“W-what do you mean?” Winry asked.

Ed blushed slightly. He wasn’t used to telling what he really felt. “Y-you’re the nicest person I know. Well, maybe after my mum,” he was quick to add. “When you’re not throwing stuff. Anyway, I still think they would have to be pretty dumb to not notice that.”

“That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever told me.” Winry looked at him with awe. “Sometimes I’ve thought you think I’m stupid because you always repeat that…”

“You’re such a gearhead.” For the first time in days a tiny smile played on Ed’s lips. “Of course I don’t think that way. You’re my best friend!”

“And you’re my best friend,” Winry answered, trying to brush the wetness away from the corner of her eye before Ed could see.

“Hey, are you crying again?” Ed, who had of course noticed, freaked out, always hating to see her cry.

“Don’t worry, it’s just a happy tear.” Winry tried to calm him down. “Thanks, Ed. I’m feeling much better now. Sometimes I just get overwhelmed… I worry about my parents a lot… And I was worried about you and Al too. I’m really sorry about your dad.”

“The worst part is hearing my mum crying,” Ed said quietly. “She doesn’t cry in front of us but sometimes she withdraws into her room and I can hear her… And then I get so angry at my dad!”

“Your mum said he has some important mission,” Winry noted. “Sort of like my parents.”

“It doesn’t matter how important it is, he still left,” Ed growled, although the sharpest edge was already gone from his voice.

“And now you are worried he hates you,” Winry finally understood what Ed had been talking about this entire time. Gently, she nudged him on the shoulder. “Hey, I’m sure he still cares about you a lot. He would have to be pretty dumb to not.” She repeated Ed’s earlier phrase and ruffled his hair like he always did when he tried to comfort her.

“When you say that… I feel I can almost believe it.” Ed answered, and leaned his head against her shoulder, which was easy because she was quite a bit taller than him.

Maybe that conversation didn’t remove all of Ed’s worries, but he felt a lot lighter after talking with Winry. It made him understand he wasn’t alone with his issue.

* I know Hohenheim wasn’t officially Trisha’s husband but it was the simplest solution to call him that way.

[mummybearmusing]

Feb 17

WHAT’S OCCURRED OVER THE LAST FIVE YEARS..SNEAKY SNEAKY

Here’s how this all began:

* Back in 2013 I had doubts about how our relationship was going, I discussed many things with my friends on whatsapp..I still have those messages..the ones saying I was scared he was going to leave and take our baby, and that I felt inadequate and a spare part because he had five months off work and spent every day with our boy at his mums while I worked six days instead of the three I originally was going to, because he had lost his job, and that my parenting was constantly undermined, even provided my friends with examples how because I was being told I was over-reacting.

And this is when he convinced me that the only thing that was wrong with our relationship was me, and there was no undermining of my parenting, I was just being over-sensitive because we were different people which meant we had different ideas of how we should parent, neither of which were wrong.

* I went on anti-depressants in 2014 following an incident where our neighbours flat had caught on fire and the smoke came under our door making me feel terrified for my family, especially for my baby,

I was referred to victims support,

I went all the way to the MP begging to move him or move us because I was terrified that it could happen again.

Prior to this I hadn’t been on ANY medication since 2011 when I got my job at a call centre, but sadly 3 and a half years later our office closed and we were all made redundant, which needless to say sent me downhill again, because I applied for 284 jobs and didn’t get one of them. I eventually got a part time job but meant a massive drop in wages

His mum is a fully qualified childminder, so when we we were both working full time she had him the weekdays, and my mum had him the weekends, looking back, again at the old whatsapp messages his mum was undermining me just as much as he was, for just as long.

They both now live with her, and she couldn’t be more thrilled about it and she’s made it known at school too because she was SO smug when she said see you later, AT HOME!!

The thing that he told me I was wrong about by the way, the truth that made me doubt any conversations.. I thought we were so happy we’d talked about having another baby, I told her this in utter shell shock..she told me he never wanted another and he hadn’t loved me for two years, and when i KNEW i was right..is when I found a letter he wrote by hand stating we’re thinking of trying for another baby, hopefully/happily give our child a little brother/sister soon.. and it also states in this letter I have no concerns about how my child is being looked after when I’m not there.. ie when he was working and our child was with me on my days off.. which contradicts all the concerns about my neglect of our child, which he also reported to our child’s nursery..his mum went in there first!

* So she comes round Jan a few years back and tells me her son isn’t coming home, he’s packed a bag and he’s going to go there, and they’re picking my son up from preschool and taking him there, told me about all these concerns they had over my mental health and told me about all these absent minded non issue mistakes id made, when accumulated made me seem like a total flake of a mother, made me feel i didn’t deserve to be one, i knew my mental health wasn’t brilliant but I’d been off all my med’s for a while (my own  fault/choice- while i underwent some medical tests to rule out a variety of things following a stay in A and E and a day hooked up to an IV drip)

She told me our relationship (7 years and 2 days of it) was over, dead, done with, and he hadn’t loved me for two years he’d stayed out of fear of what would happen as I was so absent minded he was afraid every day for our son’s safety, she told me nobodies saying I’m a bad mum, I’m a really good one just need a little extra help, then fast forward six weeks later she’s telling me she hates me she’ll never forgive me and that social services were involved with her family and it was all my fault because I’m an incapable mother (because as I mentioned in the post above both her and my ex had been going in to my sons then preschool and giving their “concerns” it led to them calling social me being investigated for neglect..they closed no further action needless to say, they fully understood nothing I did was intentional, and I had simply made a few errors because I wasn’t well,

later that day our families (me ex and our mums and dads) made a temporary informal verbal agreement between us that until my med’s kicked back in and docs confirmed my mental health was stable again that our son would stay there, i could see him as much as i wanted, but with someone else around to ‘intervene if necessary’ and once I was “back on my feet” we would co-parent 50/50 no drama, no court, just us adults..just mum and dad

.. she didn’t intervene when necessary..she interfered at every opportunity, regularly calling me 'girl’ and 'stupid’ regularly saying 'can you do nothing right’

* It was also agreed until I had a psych eval done and the results back if i wanted to see/have my son away from her house then i could BUT another family member needed to be around, we were all fine with this to ensure he was fully safeguarded, so it was agreed my mum or my sister would stay on my sofa so he could be at home..

His mum had been pushing my ex to remove me from his life, there were computer printouts on the table i see from the separated dads website, applying for custody, the court procedure..he left my flat because his and his mums attempts to get on my tenancy behind my back in a previous year had failed.

Now as mentioned above, the verbal informal agreement was once i handed over medical proof of my improvement  we were going to draw up a written agreement for 50/50 co-parenting and have shared residency, no courts needed, i offered that we’d go for mediation so they all had peace of mind, no no not necessary, we’re both adults, we’re mum and dad..we can do this on our own.

Re the investigation for neglect: this social worker saw me ONE time, and maybe five phone calls..I regularly asked him to confirm everything in writing. My requests were NEVER actioned prior to him leaving

We should have been sent a copy of his report as part of a court direction..we weren’t. So I did a Subject Access request to gain it..it was nearly blank due to third party redactions..things he/she/the preschool told them.

* I handed over my medical evidence to social services plus a diary I’d kept and various other things to show I had been suffering from DV.

And the emails I forwarded them with all of it were ignored,

I handed the psych eval over to him, and he was so angry with what it said..because it contradicted all that had been said, and because it inferred my mh had been exacerbated because of his abuse..he was so mad that he demanded the phone number, I said they couldn’t tell him anything, nor was anything discussed that wasn’t included in the assessment that was conducted by the Community Mental Health Recovery Service.

I begged him to stay and talk, like adults, and to sort this out because we were mum and dad, he stormed off telling me had calls to make

Following THIS reaction I had a chat with the Police and the social worker and they both agreed my ex had broken our agreement and as it was never official then i had every right to go knock on her door and ask for my son back..

which I did towards the end of Feb years back.. the door was slammed and locked in my face, with my little boy stood right next to her

(witnessed by my sister who was at the door with me, my cousin who had got out her car to have a cigarette and my stepmum who had followed my sister in her own car..but the court papers clearly stated that my son was on the sofa and even though he clearly would have heard me he made no attempt to move..this was my exes response..my ex wasn’t even there..and my ex never even wrote the responses, his sister did..who also wasn’t there.. he never signed the statement of truth either so how that wasn’t thrown out i have NO idea)

* I called the police and despite being led to believe earlier that day that if she refused to hand him over having no PR and me holding it that she would be in trouble and that they would make her or at least file a report they instead told me that because the door was shut there was no breach of the peace, that dad had given consent for her to look after him while he was working, and like it or not..so had I by agreeing to let him stay there to begin with, they told me they would NOT be coming out, I could cry all I wanted down the phone but their answer was not going to change, this was a civil matter and I would need to take it to court.

So I did.

#MummaBearMusings